How to Co-parent With a High-Conflict Co-parent by Lisanne Iriks

A calmer path that starts with you

On a quiet Tuesday afternoon, you might open your phone and feel your stomach drop before you even read the message.
 You already know the tone.
 You already sense the tension.
 You already feel your body preparing for a conversation that will drain you.

Many parents describe this moment as the hardest part.
 Not the logistics.
 Not the schedules.
 Not even the disagreements.
 It is the emotional weight of dealing with someone who seems to turn even simple communication into something sharp or confusing.

If this is familiar, you are not alone.
 And more important, it does not have to stay like this.

There is a way to reduce the stress, protect your children and feel more grounded.
 It begins with understanding what is actually happening and what is still within your control.

One parent once told me that co-parenting felt like trying to talk to someone in a different language.
 Every sentence she sent was received through a filter she could not see.
 Every simple request somehow turned into a disagreement.
 And every attempt to explain herself made the situation worse.

She thought she needed to try harder.
 She thought she needed to say things the right way.
 She thought she needed to convince him that she was not the enemy.

It took time for her to recognise the truth.
 She was expecting cooperation from someone who could not offer it in the way she hoped.

That realisation did not make the situation easier overnight, but it did give her something important.
 Clarity.
 With clarity came the permission to try a different approach.
 One that focused on what she could influence rather than what she could not.

You might be in that same place.
 Still hoping.
 Still trying.
 Still carrying the emotional load for both sides.

And there is nothing wrong with you for wanting it to feel better than this.

When cooperation feels unpredictable, parallel parenting creates a structure that protects everyone involved. Coparenting is what is ultimately the best for children but if trying to co-parent leads to constant high conflict then it might be better to switch to Parallel parenting for a while.  It removes the pressure to work as a team in moments when teamwork is not realistic.
 It gives each parent room to breathe and space to manage things within their own home.

One father I worked with said that parallel parenting felt like switching from riding a bike with someone wobbling the handlebars to riding his own bike beside them.
 There was still contact, but not the kind that threw him off balance each day.

Parallel parenting works because it reduces the number of emotional touchpoints.
 Instead of constant negotiation, you rely on:

• clear routines
 • predictable transitions
 • written agreements
 • defined responsibilities

This does not build closeness between you and your co-parent.
 It builds safety for you and your children.
 And for now, safety is the foundation you need.

A useful question for you might be:
 Where could more structure make things feel steadier for me and the children?

If your co-parent reacts strongly or unpredictably, your messages might carry emotional weight long before the conversation begins.

You can change this by shifting to short, neutral written communication.
 You do not do this to be cold.
 You do it to stay balanced.

One dad described it as choosing to walk around the puddles instead of stepping in them every time.

When you keep your messages focused on facts, the conversation becomes something you can manage without dread.
 You might still get reactive responses, but your replies stay calm and clear.

This approach gives you two gifts:
 A quieter nervous system and more predictable interactions.

A gentle prompt for you:
 What happens in my body when I choose not to react emotionally?

People often think boundaries are confrontational.
 In reality, boundaries are a form of care.
 They let you stay grounded when the other parent cannot.

You might decide that communication is only through text or email.
 You might choose not to engage in long discussions.
 You might set a personal rule to reply within twenty-four hours instead of immediately.

I once worked with a parent who said a simple rule changed everything.
 No responding while stressed.
 Instead, she allowed herself a pause.
 During that pause, she took a breath, grounded herself and replied later with calm instead of frustration.

Boundaries are not about controlling the other person.
 They help you regain control of your own emotional world.

Ask yourself:
 Which boundary would give me just a little more peace this week?

High conflict co-parents often draw you into long explanations.
 You try to justify your decisions because you hope they will understand.
 You try to defend yourself because you do not want to be misunderstood.

This only pulls you deeper into the same pattern.

One parent told me that the day she stopped over-explaining, she felt as if she had opened a window after years of stale air.

You do not need to convince someone who is not able to hear you.
 You only need to speak clearly and protect your energy.

A gentle reflection:
 Where do I still try to gain understanding from someone who is not able to offer it?

Your children learn emotional safety from the environment you create.
 You cannot control the tone of the other home, but you can offer something steady, warm and consistent in yours.

This might look like:

• small rituals that create predictability
 • calm communication during stressful moments
 • space for them to talk about their feelings
 • reminders that they are safe and loved

Children thrive when one home feels like a soft landing.
 You can offer that without giving up your boundaries or your wellbeing.

A meaningful question:
 What simple moment of connection could I create for my children this week?

Co-parenting with someone who makes things difficult takes strength.
 It also takes support.

That support might come from:

• a therapist or coach
 • a mediator
 • a trusted friend
 • a parenting coordinator
 • legal guidance when needed

You are allowed to lean.
 You are allowed to ask for help.
 You are allowed to protect yourself.

A quiet reflection:
 Who could hold part of this load with me, even in a small way?

It is normal to feel tired.
 It is normal to want something easier.
 It is normal to wonder if it will ever feel better.

Even with a high conflict co-parent, things can improve when you change how you engage.
 Your steadiness sets the tone.
 Your boundaries create emotional distance.
 Your routines ground the children.
 Your clarity reduces conflict.
 Your calm becomes the anchor in the middle of uncertainty.

You are not powerless here.
 You can build something slow and steady that will support you and your children for years by always being kind to the other parent, not talking badly about the other parent and creating a safe space for your children. Your children will learn from watching you what positive interactions look like. Your co-parent will decide how they respond to you and you cannot control that but you can control the children not seeing these interactions for example by having handover at school so you do not see each other.

Have a look at how you can make this situation better and start taking action. If you wait for your ex-partner to change you might be waiting forever.